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Oct. 2, 2017

We have leukemia.

My family has been pulled into the world of cancer.  In July, when I picked my beautiful children up from living abroad with their father, I noticed that my daughter as incredibly thin yet her belly was distended.  She had barely any energy and her ankles were swollen.  She was hungry but she had to force herself to eat.  It is 2 months later and as I write this I am reliving the pain.   It took 2 weeks before I could find a doctor who would do the blood tests and determine that my sweet angel had leukemia.  ALL ~ Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia.  (I'll get to why it took so long to find a doctor in another blog.) 

Leukemia is cancer of the bloodline.  It requires family healing.  Cancer has it's own DNA, and the medical protocol to kill cancer requires separating the cancer from the healthy cells.  This is why there is no cure.  But I know the cure.

July 20:

8a ~ doctor's appointment:  blood tests & physical exam.  Doctor ~ a Black woman ~  tells me to go home and pack our bags and wait for her phone call.

3p ~ phone call:  in short: 'Sokhna, I am sorry to tell you, but I am grateful to know and tell you because we know how to help you ~Wayana's blood tests are leaning toward leukemia.  Please, immediately, go to the the hospital ~ I have already told them you are coming.'

3:10 ~ my head spinning, the room became too small.  I looked at my daughter sleeping on the futon across from me, her little body perfectly still.  My son approaches me:  Mommy, what's wrong?  I tell him.  He grabs me and we hold each other.

6p ~ we enter the hospital and are welcomed warmly ~ it's the children's hospital.  We are guided down a hallway with colorful murals painted on the walls, past a playroom with a pinball machine, and books, and a Wii, and nurses wearing uniforms covered with favorite characters and animals all smile at us warmly.  They will become our new family, instant best friends.  We are given a lovely room (my blog on health care reform is still in the brewpot)  and the nurse gives my daughter a stuffed animal.  My angel asks ~ "Am I really sick?  Am I gonna die?"  I tell her we are with the best doctors and they will tell us how we will get healthy again."  My son, my sweet boy, sat stiffly on the sofa.  His transformation into the boy wonder of my dreams had begun.  Then, knowing nothing else:  IV in the hand ~ the butterfly;  the drip ~ saline & sugar;  and she would need a transfusion ~ wait.  WHAT?  The doctor arrived ~ a new doctor.  The one who would confirm ALL.  I was handed a book ~ Childhood Leukemia.  Tears from a distant internal aquifer began streaming from my eyes ~ the same aquifer that fountains the tears that are streaming as I write this living memory.  We have leukemia.

There really is no way to tell a family that they have cancer.  Someone just has to say it, and someone has to receive those words.  The words are loaded.  They were served to me on a silver tray ~ for my princess.   I had to take them, they were now ours to take into our lives and life together and they would carve a new shape that we had no choice but to become.  We all got cancer that day.  We all stopped breathing for a moment and we all began breathing in a different way.  Leukemia is cancer of the blood, cancer of the lineage.  The blood carries the oxygen and nutrients to the body.  Blood is a liquid organ.  It is between us ~ and I couldn't breathe.  I gave this blood to my child.  I, and or their father, supplied this monster to our creation.

I am a yogini, a doula, an herbalist.  I am a mama, I am Wayana & Kayenn's Goddess.  I must strengthen my body, unleash my spirit, nourish and connect in anyway with anyone who knows how to support us.  I must open my heart and shift continuously to receive ~ I must bend and fold, and pray, and breathe, and envision LIFE in IT'S chaos.  I have to hold steady for my children ~ I am the Yoniverse for my Starseeds.  I am home nurse, herbalist, the rocking~star for my babe when she has belly pains at night, or during her continual nauseousness.  Her hair has fallen out.  And so has mine.

Jai Ma ~ Victory to the Divine Feminine ~ Ase ~ Aho ~ Sat Namaste ~ NamAshe


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Welcome to MamaSutra Loving Arts.   This site is birthed of a loonnngggg labor of self nourishing, exploration, feeling, growing, selecting, failing, rising, and becoming.  MamaSutra Loving Arts is my menu of services to the world ~ in any way I can get wellness and wholeness to you.  It is combination of my dreams, talents and practices.  It feels truly electric and wondrous to offer all of what I do to you in one place. 

My strength and vitality begins each morning with gratitude and self blessing when I rise.  Before I had children I used to come home at 4am.  When I began to cleanse I was required to get up at 4am. Now, as a mother and a lover,  that just isn't realistic in my world.  I have come to know that my life is my sadhana ~ my spiritual practice.  Yogasanas while I brush my teeth,  sitting in my pelvic throne when I'm combing my daughter's hair, patience with my son while we do his schoolwork, and making love with my partner are equally my  spiritual practices as sitting in oneness with my breath.  As a matter of fact, as a woman, living in awareness and maintaining the health of my beautiful body temple IS THE MOST SACRED PRACTICE OF ALL.  

So, I invite you to browse the site, and please share your thoughts of how you nourish yourself.  Please share your thoughts of how you feel and how you keep yourself in high vibrations.  What do you do to bring pleasure to your life.   Pleasure is intelligence, and I know you are uniquely wise.

~ ~ ~ Jai Ma ~ NamAshe ~ Sat Nam ~ Namaste ~ Amen ~ Aho ~ Outta Sight! ~ ~ ~

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